As I sit here….

I HATE failure in all of its forms.  Correction I hate it when I fail in all of its forms.  I have always had what you might call a fear of failing (FoF  for short) instilled in me at a young age.  I was raised to believe that I could be anything that I wanted, and my grandmother pushed me further into believing that I was the best at anything I put my mind to.  As is so often the case we are lead to believe things as children that don’t always prove to be true as adults.

As I sit here I am faced with having to made a difficult decision that bit by bit is slowly being reduced to how I want to view my life and the chances that I am willing to take.  For far too long I have been unemployed, and have been looking.  I’ve looked for work full time for YEARS and have considered going back to school.  Well now the guillotine blade is dropping on me and I’m running out of choices. 

I tried casting, its been almost a year since I attempted to go more or less full time save the breaks that I have had to endure.  For a long time I couldn’t record my casts (my “Save Forever” function with Twitch was broken) and I didn’t bother counting the days casting (something I’ve thought of returning to).  My cast has failed to grow AT ALL basically since my first month of casting.  I am still stuck usually to single digit viewership.

While I have my supporters I am being forced to face facts… I apparently lack what ever magical formula it takes to become a caster and make ANY money at it.  I’ve had small donations… a grand total of less then a grand.  My FoF is screaming at me to continue, but at this rate even if I put money aside every month for the rest of my anticipated working career I doubt I’ll have much to retire on… and that’s not including the fact that I have people I owe money too, and that I have never lived on my own.

I am a failure in just about every single way that I can imagine.  Its time for me to do some serious re-evaluating of my life.  I should have seen this coming and its nagged at the back of my mind for a long time now but I’ve put off dealing with it, now I have no choice.  Do I continue casting or, do I give up and retire in shame, and switch back to full time job search, with out even doing so much as signing on to IMs or Twitch until I’ve put in a solid 8 hours of job searching per day? 

Its starting to feel like no matter what I do I’m wrong and always have been wrong. This is why I’m depressed.  There is nothing that I do that seems to be the right thing and all I’m doing is acting like a parasite to those I love.  Casting helps make me happy, but its also restricting my job search, after all my day usually looks something like this (with variations):

8-10 AM: Prepare for cast, take walk, clean up around the house

10-5 PM: Cast

5-7 PM: Cook Dinner, Eat, Catch Up with Family/Friends

7-8 PM Clean up from dimmer, relax for a bit

9-11 PM: Look for work

11-12 AM: Get ready for bed, prep CPAP, etc.

And that’s not including time I might spend doing other things, or if we have to go to the store, etc.  While it varies considerably and is a oversimplified overview you can see I don’t really get much done towards finding work.  Casting isn’t working either, my blog is dead as I NEVER GET FEEDBACK ON IT unless I ask people directly and then its just the most generic information possible. My website I haven’t even bothered to bring back up since even if I do, what’s the point?  Again no one looks at it.  I guess all around I’m just a failure.